Gloomy Days

**Fair warning:  this is a long post (sorry!) and can be a bit rambling at times...well for pretty much all of it!  I've written it more almost as a journal entry.  I've peppered it with some of my favorite quotes and quotes that I feel are good for me to remember- I hope you enjoy them as much as I do and that they make this a bit more worth reading :)**
         
             "In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity."-Albert Einstein

I decided to start with that quote because I'm trying to convince myself its true.  I am a little sad to say that my optimism has pretty much been exhausted since my last post.  Perhaps that's why I haven't really felt like posting lately.  I've continued to apply for jobs, I'm still working at the store and am volunteering a little less at Gilda's Club but I just feel like I can't really catch a break.  I've had quite a few interviews and either don't get past the first round or I end up being the runner up, or the organization goes through a sudden reorganization and the job is no longer open.  Oh the joys of job hunting in a decimated economy!  The last two jobs I interviewed for had 50 and 80 applicants.  I keep making it to the in-person interview stage but I can't seem to get passed that.  This is pretty much all I think about lately-my lack of job-getting abilities!

            "Mistakes are a fact of life.  It is the response to error that counts." -Nikki Giovanni

As it so happens the only people I know that read this blog are close friends or family so I figure some brutal honesty is okay.  I was never incredibly thrilled for this move but looked at is as an adventure and I try to always be up for a little bit of adventure.  Unfortunately over the past few months I've come to ever so slightly regret jumping into this move so quickly.  I'm starting to think if we'd had more time to think about the career prospects for me here, we would have realized it probably wasn't the best idea.  We, however, did not have that much time to consider everything.  We did the best we could, but we were two 24 year olds making a big decision and didn't necessarily think of everything we should have considered (we also only had 3 days to give the company an answer to the offer they made Matt).  There are so many more considerations than I imagined-even just basic cost of living things- that we couldn't have possibly thought of everything and been completely informed before deciding to move.  I guess that in itself is a good lesson to learn.  Honestly, I am still trying to figure out what the best response is to this decision to move that I am beginning to view more like a mistake.  As long as I learn something from this it won't truly be a mistake-just a bigger challenge than expected.

            "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength." -Corrie Ten Boom

For me the biggest thing I overlooked was how I would handle this big change emotionally.  I also forgot to consider how I would deal with the challenges of finding a job here.  Clearly that process was complicated by my taking the hospital job only to find out it was a less than properly run organization.  I have always been a driven person and I never thought it would take me this long to find a job that was a good fit (and at this point I'd settle for any job that pays a living wage-it doesn't even have to be a non-profit or a good fit necessarily).  I didn't fully appreciate what the lack of employment would do to my self esteem and how I identify myself.  I think its a very American thing to tie one's personal identity so much to your career and employment.   I have been trying to think positively about the situation but the truth is I now find it hard to find anything positive in my current situation and in the whole move.  I was hoping this move would do a few things- give Matt a chance to fast track his career and be closer to his family, allow me to become closer to Matt's family, help us grow together as a couple, and teach me about adjusting to foreign surroundings.  Some of those things have happened, but mostly just the ones that concern Matt (although I guess they truly concern us both as we're pretty tied to each other!).  I guess it has definitely brought us closer as a couple and has given us a whole new vast array of experiences together.  We're learning how to be much more communicative and we're learning how to help each other out in new situations and surroundings.  Sadly I don't feel it's done a whole lot as far as helping me become closer to Matt's family and I'm not sure how I'm doing adjusting to new surroundings.  Although, I officially have a friend here that isn't a professional connection (don't get me wrong-Debbie from Gilda's is a great friend and has been a great sounding board for professional things).  Stephanie is the eye doctor I found here and we got to talking and realized we're both recent transplants and neither of us have kids but are engaged or married so we have a decent amount in common-well at least enough to become friends in a strange place!  Beyond Debbie and Stephanie though I mostly spend the days by myself looking for jobs or just hanging out at home.  Anywho, I've gotten sidetracked.  I guess what I'm mostly trying to say is I'm having a harder time as of late than I ever thought I would.  I have struggled with depression in the past and have always been lucky to have people who are supportive and understanding to help me.  I am thankful now that I have Matt who is doing the best he can to understand the things I struggle with and to find ways to make me feel better.  It's a lot for both of us to deal with but we figure if we can make it through big changes like moving some place new and surviving on one income while I desperately search for a job it will make things that much easier as we face struggles later on in our marriage.  I find I am constantly worrying about pretty much everything lately.  I know that my worrying frustrates and, ironically enough, worries Matt so I'm trying to let things go a bit more....we'll see how that goes!  We are trying to find the good side in things.  I'll be the first to admit Matt is much better at that than I am.

            "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on!" -Robert Frost

So I've rambled (quite depressingly...sorry 'bout that) for long enough without really telling you anything.  Lately we've been decently busy.  I've been having to work weekends a lot so we've been trying to spend more time together during the week.  We've been blasting through seasons of the tv show Bones and slowly chipping away at wedding planning.  I think we're at a good point for planning for as much time as we have.  Although, I know it will go by quickly especially with the holidays coming up so soon.  We've been working on getting the house and yard ready for winter.  We finally got most of our leaves picked up by the city today.  We even put out Christmas lights yesterday!  It was so warm out that we decided we might as well get it done.  We decided to go with solar outdoor lights. Our house doesn't have outlets outside so it was the easiest option.  I also really liked the idea of not using up electricity throughout the holidays.  We need to go buy one more string but then I think we'll be good.  We aren't putting up a ton but just enough to be festive.  We'll probably decorate for Christmas next week-maybe Thanksgiving morning.  Since I'm working retail I have to work Wednesday, Friday and Saturday of Thanksgiving week.  I'm not going to lie-I'm a bit terrified to see how people get around here on black Friday.  I do have a few things to look forward to besides decorating for the holidays.  I'm making a trip back to Wisconsin this week.  I'm looking forward to spending a few days in Rhinelander, I am not however, looking forward to the 11 hour drive.  At least I'll have company for half of the trip there-I'm picking up my cousin in Chicago on my way home and giving her a lift to our Grandma's.  I've also requested a bunch of books on cd from the library so hopefully I'll get some of the before I leave.

            "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." -William James

Speaking of the library-I have a request for anyone who is willing to leave a comment or email me.  I've decided I need to start exercising my brain a bit more during the day.  While searching for jobs all day is exhausting it isn't exactly intellectually stimulating.  So, I've decided I want to start reading a book a week.  If anyone has suggestions on good books please let me know!  I'm looking to learn about some new things and discover some new authors.  I'm hoping you all have some good suggestions.

            "It always seems impossible until it is done." -Nelson Mandela

I love this quote...and Nelson Mandela.  If you've never read his autobiography I suggest putting it on your must read list, he is truly an inspiration.  But anywho, thank you for making it to the end of this crazy long and probably kind of depressing post!  It is amazing how cathartic writing this all out can be.  It also serves as a good reminder that I do indeed have a lot of good things going for me, among them are the great family and friends I've accumulated throughout my life.  I appreciate you all taking the time to check in on me :)  I truly hope next time I write that I will have more uplifting and exciting things to tell you!  Until then, I am doing my best at staying positive and upbeat.  I continue to try and learn more about myself and life in general and I figure as long as I continue to learn it's all worth it!